Scammers

There is a lot of talk about and, unfortunately, a rise in the number of birthmother scammers.

There are financial scammers (the most well-known) and emotional scammers; some are a combination of both.

Everyone knows about the financial scammers: they take advantage of your desire to adopt to get as much money from you as they can, with no intention of placing their baby (if they are even pregnant) for adoption.

Emotional scammers love the attention. They may or may not be pregnant. They may or may not ask for financial assistance. They will want a huge amount of contact with you under the pretext of “getting to know you”, but the adoption plan itself won’t progress. They will often balk at talking with your professionals – saying they don’t trust attorneys or agencies. They may put off filling out paperwork and releasing medical records. They feed off your desire to please them, care about them, and help them. They will sound so sincere and you will want to believe them. They are the biggest reason for your need for good professionals. You will not be able to spot them; hopefully, your professionals will.

Sometimes an emotional scammer will try to portray your professional as “the bad guy” and pit you against each other. She may tell you a completely different story about her contact with your professional than your professional has told you, e.g., she may tell you that she hasn’t heard from your professional in weeks while your professional tells you that she/he has left several messages for her. It may feel like she’s trying to get you “on her side” (and against your professional). This also diverts everyone’s attention to the problem and away from the actual adoption plan. Keep your communications flowing with your professional so you can all see if this is happening and discuss what you will do about it.

The emotional scammers are the most manipulative because they build the relationship around who you are, your interests and hobbies. They begin to mirror who you are and you feel that you have known them forever. They become as close as they can to your perfect situation – which is why it is so difficult for adoptive parents to let go.

The hardest part about emotional scammers is that they sound exactly like great birthmothers in the beginning. It takes time to determine whether or not they are sincere. This is where you need to trust your professional’s judgment. If they tell you that it’s time to walk away, listen! Many adoptive families fight their professionals at this point. We often support our advice with a demonstration: we will give the birthmother a deadline within which to return paperwork/talk with us/do whatever she’s not doing. When the deadline comes and goes without the birthmother cooperating, adoptive parents usually feel more comfortable about letting go. Many times the emotional scammer will fixate on your infertility, which brings you back to that place emotionally, leaving you vulnerable and easier to manipulate.

Using the dating analogy, this is much like dating that charming, adorable person who is so much fun to be with but who can’t quite commit to a serious relationship. When do you say “enough”? Keep in mind that during the time you continue hanging on to the emotional scammer, you are wasting time and energy that could be used to look for the right birthmother. It’s always a tough call, but you must be willing to walk away at some point if you are dealing with an emotional scammer. If your instincts have served you well in the past, listen to them now. Don’t let your desperation make you continue a relationship that is going nowhere! Don’t let your desperation to be a parent, cloud your judgment!

We have also seen many prospective adoptive parents labeling a birthmother as a scammer for the wrong reasons and unfairly. Please be very careful with the term “scammer”. When you label someone as a scammer, you are accusing her of committing a crime. Did she really commit a crime? Can you prove it? Further, (and apart from the ethical reasons why you shouldn’t falsely accuse someone), if you erroneously call someone a scammer, either orally or in writing, you may be guilty of libel and/or slander, despite your good intentions. (And we have seen a birthmother sue the professional and adoptive parents for this and win.)

These are scams:

The “birth mom” is not pregnant when she’s talking with you about adopting her baby, but is claiming to be…… or is pregnant, but has no intention of placing her child with anyone for adoption (and you can prove this). She is accepting financial assistance for adoption expenses from more than one family AT THE SAME TIME. This is illegal and usually subject to criminal charges. If this happens and you can prove it, you may be able to have the birthmother arrested and prosecuted. In several instances we have seen the birthmother ordered to pay restitution to the families she scammed, along with spending time in jail. With the increased use of the internet for adoption, more and more scammers are being caught and prosecuted because of the increased communication between adoptive parents. Unfortunately, many times it is difficult to get the district attorney to prosecute even when there is substantial evidence. Some feel the case is not serious enough to warrant their attention. Others have expressed concern that the birthmother (now a single mom, struggling to care for her child) will incur the jury’s sympathy and the jury would not want to find her guilty.

These are not scams:

A birth mom talking to more than one family before she has committed to anyone. Birthmothers are entitled and, in fact should talk to as many families as they need to in order to make a choice. If she has not committed to you, she is not required to tell you about the “others”. It’s none of your business. As long as she is not accepting financial assistance from any of the families and has not committed to an adoption plan with anyone, she is not scamming.

A birth mom who needs financial help. Most birthmothers need some kind of financial help. Yes, some of the birthmothers requesting exorbitant amounts of money may be trying to scam, but most are not. They simply have financial needs (as we all do). She is not scamming by asking. She is not scamming by needing. If a birthmother is requesting financial help that you cannot or will not do, she is not the right match for you. Move on.

A birth mom who doesn’t choose you. When a birthmother doesn’t choose you it can be devastating. It can make you question yourselves (What’s wrong with us?) It can make you question or even be angry with the birthmother (What’s wrong with her? Why can’t she see that we’re the perfect family?) Well, you may be the perfect family – for someone else, just not for this birthmother. Remember, this is much like dating, for better or worse.  You probably dated many great people before committing to your partner – the others just weren’t the right one. Nothing wrong with them or you; it just wasn’t the right match.

A birth mom (for any reason) deciding to not proceed with an adoptive family and then choosing another adoptive family (consecutively). The relationship between adoptive parents and birthmothers can be extremely emotional. Think about this. You are strangers, thrown together for a very personal and intimate experience. It is not uncommon for either side to get to know the other well enough to realize that they are NOT the right match and want “out”. The birthmother is allowed to do this, just as you are allowed to walk away during the prenatal match period. She is perfectly entitled to then find other adoptive parents who better fit her needs and desires. As long as she is not accepting financial assistance from both families or committed to an adoption plan to both families at the same time, she is not scamming.

A birth mom changing her mind about placing her child for adoption any time prior to signing her consent documents. All birthmothers have second thoughts about their adoption plan. At any time prior to her signing consent or relinquishment documents (and sometimes for a period thereafter), she is legally entitled to change her mind and reclaim her baby. This is her legal right.

Here’s the bottom line: If you are contacted by a birthmother and you see a posting on the internet that she is a “scammer”, be sure to find out WHY she has been labeled a scammer before you decide not to work with the birthmother. She may be the victim of a false accusation made by angry adoptive parents. Try to learn the whole story (both sides). If you suspect the birthmother may be sincere, ask her about the other adoptive parents and what happened between them. If you have no other reason to believe that she is lying, give her the benefit of the doubt!

Do not assume all adoptive parents will always tell the truth. It is reasonable to believe that all adoptive parents are honest, kind and ethical.  While most are, do not make this assumption. We have seen some outrageously bad behavior by adoptive parents over the years! If you are connecting with other prospective adoptive parents on the internet or in a support group, keep in mind that they may not have your best interests at heart. They are, in some ways, your competition and may have their own agenda.

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