Developing a positive relationship with your birthmother

If you will be in direct contact with your birthmother you will want to work at developing a relationship with her based on honesty, trust and respect. The work you put into this can only help your adoption plan. There are many ways you can do this; here are some to consider:

Keep your promises, but be cautious in making them. It may be very tempting to tell a birthmother whatever she wants to hear in order to be chosen as adoptive parents. As hard as it may be, you must be honest with any potential birthmother. It is better to find out she is not a good match for you in the beginning than to have the truth come out (as it always eventually does) and terminate your adoption plan after you’ve been working with her for awhile.

Look for opportunities to be kind

If a birthmother asks for something (e.g. money, contact with you) that you are not absolutely sure you legally can and want to provide, do not make any promises. You can listen to her requests and let her know you understand but you need to check with your professional to make sure that it’s allowable. (As you know by now, adoptive parents should never allow themselves to be in the money position.)  This will give you time to discuss the issue with your professional and make a decision on what you are willing and allowed to do.

If your potential birthmother is pressuring you to make an immediate commitment to something you are unsure of, especially money, let her know that you will need a reasonable amount of time to consult your professional to make sure you are complying with the law. Then give this your immediate attention with the help of your professional. She should be willing to talk with your professional about her circumstances. A birthmother who pushes for money is either (1) attempting to scam you or (2) in a truly desperate situation. Let your professional work with her directly and find the true story.

Embrace the dysfunction --and function. You may look at your birthmother’s life and be dumbfounded by the dysfunction in her lifestyle. Keep in mind: if she wasn’t dysfunctional and her life was “together”, she might not be doing an adoption. You may look at your birthmother and not understand how or why such a functional woman would even consider placing her child for adoption. She obviously could financially and emotionally care for her child. Your birthmothers come in all lifestyles and situations. Bottom line: accept your birthmother for who she is, without judgment, and without projecting your values and life plan on her.

Although many birthmothers are self-sufficient, it is not unusual for a birthmother to be unemployed, not have a checking account, not have sufficient credit to rent an apartment, not have transportation, not had prenatal care and have no support system. Yes, this may all be a result of choices she has made – or not – but this is also supporting her decision to place her child for adoption.

Kindness counts

We hope that all adoptive parents will treat their birthmothers with kindness and compassion. Placing a child for adoption is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things they will ever do. Could you do it? She deserves your respect and gratitude, no matter what her life choices have been. She will also be translating the way you treat her to the way you will treat her baby.  Keep this in mind. Most adoptive families find they genuinely care about their birthmother. They are interested in her wellbeing and happiness. You can show this compassion in many ways, e.g., by asking her how she is feeling. If she has other children in her care, ask about them. Talk about things other than the pregnancy to let her know that you care about her and not just the baby she is carrying.

Ask about her interests and share yours. You may find you have much more in common than you knew!

Look for opportunities to be kind. It will help solidify your relationship with your birthmother.

Your kindness needs to continue past the birth of the child and for as long as you have contact (directly or indirectly) with her. Little things often count for a lot. Remember her birthday, especially if it is during the adoption plan time frame. Even if you are not allowed to send her a gift, you can send a card and/or give her a call…. same with Mother’s Day and other holidays. (Holidays can be particularly difficult for birthmothers, especially the first year after birth.)
 
Example: Patrick and Erica traveled to their birthmother’s state a week prior to her due date because they wanted to be there for the birth. The date they arrived was also the day after Christmas. They did absolutely nothing for their birthmother for Christmas (even though they were allowed to) – not a card, not a gift, nothing. The birthmother was crushed by their thoughtlessness and almost terminated her adoption plan with them. Even months after placing her child she still wondered if she had given her baby to the right family – would they treat the baby with the same kind of insensitivity? Sometimes it truly is the thought that counts!
 
Example: Rick and Fran adopted a beautiful baby boy three years ago. Their birthmother, Cathy, had three other children in her care. Each year, since the adoption Rick and Fran have sent gifts to Cathy and her children at Christmas, remembered her birthday and communicated with her on Mother’s Day. They felt this was the least they could do to honor the joy she had brought to their lives.
 
This is NOT your pregnancy. We all know and respect that if this were your pregnancy you would be taking extremely good care and would be doing all the things your doctor recommended. Unfortunately, this is not your pregnancy. An adoption plan does not give you entitlement to dictate what your birthmother should be doing. If your birthmother is behaving in a way that concerns you discuss this with your professionals and ask their assistance in handling the situation.

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